Pigsflew.com

Ok, so this one’s going to be fairly personal, introspective, and pretty much relating only to me. Also, as it deals with my prior relationships, if you’re bored of hearing about them, just disregard this entry.

Or, if you’re one of them, please, please know I mean no offense and am entirely thinking of this on an academic level; which is to say very detatched and unemotional.

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In Love, or Insane?

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Today I was in psychology class, and my proffessor began discussing Maslow’s Triangle, a concept which I had already been familiar with. It goes like this:

Figure 1-1: Maslow’s Triangle

A person’s potential may only be reached after their needs are met. This is exemplable in the fact that one cannot easily devote time to learning if they are worried about what they are going to eat today or tomorrow. The idea seems sound in theory. Here is the rundown of parts: Physiological Needs: These are basic needs like food, water, sleep, and some psychologists will also place sex in here (freudian ones. They’re douches though.) Safety Needs: Shelter, security; a lot of problems arise here when people become over-worried about being protected from disease, etc. Social Needs: The need to belong, the need to obtain and give affection. Esteem: Need for developing self-worth Only after these four are met can one move onward completely toward Self-Actualization or fulfillment.

So, Adrian, what does this have to do with anything? Let’s take a run-down of my life before relationships, during relationship 1, relationship 2, and now. Because throughout my life I have never been lacking in physiological or safety, I will omit those first two categories.

Sample 1:	Before Relationships
Social:	Belonging to family, and if this ebbed, a striking belonging to friends. Felt like I belonged.
Esteem:	Issues. Many problems with self-loathing, etc.
Fulfillment:	Incomplete at best; did not do as well in school as could have, did not compete socially; was not interested in relationships.

Sample 2:	Relationship #1
Social:	Remarkable drop in belonging with friends and family; remarkably affectionate towards GF. Did not feel like I belonged. Incomplete.
Esteem:	Did not notice any problems in esteem at this point. This may be because I didn’t have any real issues; or because I wasn’t paying attention to them.
Fulfillment:	Incomplete; mildly better at schoolwork, but mildly lacking in maintaining friendships, distant from family.

Sample 3:	Relationship #2
Social:	Remarkably improved, if not completely fulfilled; No reason to doubt sincerity of GF, remarkably better at keeping up with friends and family. Felt like I belonged in all areas.
Esteem:	Degeneration; no self-loathing, but much self-doubt, and ridiculous fear of dishonesty created many issues.
Fulfillment:	Incomplete; this relationship may not have worked only because of my fear of dishonesty and hatred of self when unsure. Family and social life was markedly improved, and schoolwork also showed considerable improvement.

Sample 4:	Current; Single
Social:	Healthy; friends and family very close, numerous short-lived crushes
Esteem:	Relatively high self-esteem; no longer thinks so badly of things in the past, does not dwell on things which may or may not have been mistakes. Though retaining honesty, no longer stresses it to a ridiculous degree. At relative ease with self.
Fulfillment:	Unfullfilled. Retaining high marks in classes, has earned the respect of co-workers and classmates, and friends and family are as close as ever; but seems to gain casual crushes with no direction and not enough desire to act on any individual crush to satisfy the desire for a relationship in general. However, has been active in areas beyond these levels; writing and playing guitar have increased, re-learning piano pieces, interest in learning Hindi, and several other interests have been addressed. Also, not much brooding on the future as of recent. Possibly we might take these as signs of relative fulfillment.

So there’s the explanation, and here’s the question again: Was I ever in love, or was I temporarily insane? Or is that what love is?

Or does none of this mean anything at all?

> (eliza '(i want to win the lottery))
(what would you do if you could win the lottery ?)

> (eliza '(i would bake a cake))
(why do you think you would bake a cake)

> (eliza '(don't you think it would be fun?))
(tell me more)

> (eliza '(cakes have chocolate on them.))
(and how does that make you feel?)

> (eliza '(it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.))
(please go on)

> (eliza '(i want to eat a chocolate cake now.))
(what would you do if you could eat a chocolate cake now. ?)

> (eliza '(i'd dance in a circle.))
(what happens to your emotions when you 'd dance in a circle.)

> (eliza '(i would be so happy it would hurt.))
(why do you think you would be so happy it would hurt.)

> (eliza '(because i just... love cake so much))
(please go on)

> (eliza '(no, i don't think i will))
(try not to be so negative)

> (eliza '(You are.))
(can you expand on that?)

>

I love you Eliza. Even if you have worse short term memory than a fish. You’re a trained monkey of a program, but you’re adorable.

It turns out the server’s not down for bandwidth issues, it’s the domain name. It’s expired. We’re renewing it, but it’ll take a few days before it’s all sorted out.

I feel a little sick, but i need to go to class tomorrow. Yesterday  I talked to my family a lot, talked to Maggie a lot, and did a lot of studying, and the day before:

I sparred someone. Not just anyone, Joseph. He’s about two inches taller than me, and heavier. It was a great deal more intense than I had expected it to be, but (I believe) I came out more the victor. I did, however, come out of the match limping. My issue is that I’m really decent at blocking, but block entirely with my right leg. Taking a half hour sparring session’s worth of hits on a single leg will make it ache a little bit.

Thankfully, Nathan’s one of the coolest people ever. Ever. He’s really good at massages. We then did some more of the hypnosis thing, and perhaps the next time around I’ll give it a go. He also gave me a copy of his drawing… it’s beautiful. I don’t have tack at the moment, i thought I did, but i’ll have to get some so I can put it up. Also, apparently Alli is my happy thought. Odd but true.

***

Geez, it seems like every night, someone mentions that they’re going to use Nyquil to get to sleep. I think i’m surrounded by unnatural demons that don’t sleep like normal people and require drugs to do so. Actually there’s a lot of studies on sleep deprivation in college students; a few of them point to using the bed for other purposes than sleeping. Not that, you sick people. I’m talking about studying, reading, playing guitar, hanging out, and using it like a couch in general. If you only use your bed for sleeping, so the studies say, you will sleep on it easier. Makes sense in a sort of mental programming way.

Apparently there’s some sort of a gang on campus now, they call themselves the “Creepo’s”. With the apostrophe. Which implies that they all belong to some head honcho who calls himself “Creepo” or perhaps “The Creepo”. We know they place the apostrophe there because they have a Myspace account. Also, one of them has a facebook account, and we now know where he lives. And Mikey (our resident Italian [think Eh, Mikey!]), wants to give him a friendly little phone call, and maybe some nice new cement shoes. We are of course joking. But the creepos are a really annoying bunch apparently, they all look the same, and there’s a nice little story about how one of them flipped a tray into a kid’s face when he threw something back at their table because they were launching food everywhere.

They’re causing trouble on my campus. This bothers me. Thus far i’ve not seen them; i’d probably be oblivious anyway, but i’ll be wary. Here’s the thing, if one of them gets it into his head that it might be fun to pick on an OIT boy, i’ll be ready. It really sucks to be thinking about that, but it’s true–I know people, friends mind you, who had a certain preconception about people who work for OIT, and they’ve been forced to change it because they knew me already. There are others who are far more optimistic about us, but the ones who don’t think highly of us do exist. And I wouldn’t put it past the creepos.

For some reason thinking of these guys makes me worried about that.

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But in any case, I’m coming home this weekend to see the Competition, so we’ll let that drop from my mind. I’ve written a great deal today, and plotted a great deal as well. The turning point is at chapter 13. I’ve written up to chapter 4. And thanks to a long rant to Maggie’s unresponding SN (hehe), i’ve figured out Volume 4. It means Volume 5 and on are now undefined, but 1-4 are nearly completely defined. All that remains is to write them! It is a triumphant day.

I need to go to bed eventually. Gotta be up in less than 7 hours.